It can be really difficult to decide when or whether to go to couples therapy. For one thing, it’s a little awkward to reveal all your deepest, darkest issues to a therapist, and when you’re going as a couple you have the added bonus of talking about your sex life. Fun! While going to counseling as an individual can be seen as self-care or a way of working through past issues, going to couples therapy often garners the question “uh oh, what’s wrong?” This can almost make it seem like you have to be hanging by a thread in your marriage before you seek help. You actually want to go long before you hit the point where you are considering divorce. To help determine if it is time for you and your partner to go to couples therapy, here are five questions to ask yourself below:
1. Are there any major unresolved issues in your relationship?
This one may feel like an obvious question. And yet, it shows up all the time in session. Many couples will think they have worked through a past issue, but in reality it just got shoved under a very dark corner of the rug. Now this isn’t necessarily an invitation to go back and bring up every single fight you have ever had, but if there have been major incidents that haven’t been talked about, it’s probably time to come to therapy. Some examples of major incidents in a relationship would be a betrayal of some kind – an affair (physical or emotional), a moment when you felt like your partner was actively not with you in a big moment of pain, the death of a close friend or family member, or an addiction habit that has been impacting your relationship. These are deemed major because they have a huge impact on the way partners connect with one another and how they view the other person. See these as big red flags for needing therapy.
2. Do you feel close to your partner?
Another possibly obvious question here, but it’s an essential starting point. Would you consider your partner your best friend? When you have a hard day at work and you come home, does it feel relieving to hug your partner or tell them about your day? There is legitimate attachment science that reveals a close relationship with our partner can help prevent negative aspects of aging or disease (Johnson, 2019). It’s almost as if the bond between you and your partner creates a buffer. Thus, why it’s important to feel that sense of “ahhh” when you give your partner a hug. It helps you know that your body still associates this person as a relieving presence.
3. Do you have the same arguments over and over again?
Renowned couples therapist Dr. John Gottman has said every couple has what he calls “perpetual arguments” that you will continue to have throughout your marriage (Silver & Gottman, 1999). So while it’s annoying to continually argue about your in-laws or your differing social personalities (homebody vs someone who likes to be out and about), you are not abnormal if those arguments continue to circle around. The difference would be if the arguments continue to be something you can’t talk about without getting mired down in the conflict. If you can barely hear your mother-in-law’s name without your heart rate spiking, it is time to come to therapy.
A close relationship with our partner can help prevent negative aspects of aging or disease.
4. Can you share deep, possibly negative emotions with your partner?
Being able to tell your partner about the worst parts of your day and have them respond in a compassionate way in which you feel heard and seen is the essence of comfort in a relationship. Sometimes couples have a hard time sharing negative emotions because of the fear that their partner is going to want to just fix the problem rather than lend a listening ear and a crying shoulder. Sometimes it’s difficult to tell your partner about negative emotions because it gets met with “You think that is bad? Wait until you hear about MY [insert terrible thing here].” It’s such an important skill in any relationship, but especially a romantic relationship, to be able to hear and empathize well with your partner. Even if this area feels just a bit off, it’s a good sign to come to therapy and begin working on improving this together.
While there are big events that seem like giant flashing arrows to go to couples therapy (see number 1 above), in reality, markers tend to be smaller and more consistent. The benefit of going to couples therapy when you are knee deep in struggles of your relationship far outweighs the difficulty of going to therapy when you’re up to your eyeballs. The worst case scenario of going too early is you spend less time in couples therapy than if you went too late. If any of these markers hit home for you, feel free to schedule an initial consultation with me by hitting the button below. I’d love to help you work through “your stuff” and help you create or tweak the connected, loving, healthy relationship you desire.
References
Johnson, S. M. (2019). 1. In The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy: Creating connection (3rd ed.). essay, Routledge.
Silver, N., & Gottman, J. M. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. Random House.